Keepin’ It Real

Okay, I have promised myself to keep it real on this blog.  Today is one of those days that I thought about not even mentioning.   Why should I bring you all down when you hear what a bad day it was today?  Why should I even bring it up?  I decided that in order to portray the true picture of what our family is experiencing, you must hear the bad as well as the good.  Today was awful.  Just awful.

I knew when we first started this journey that there would be some rough times.  I just didn’t know that they would begin so early on.  First of all, the lack of speech is frustrating.  Not only for Ricky, but definitely for me.  He gets upset when he can’t tell me what he wants to say.  Then he gets upset with me for trying to help him figure out what he is trying to say.  Then I get upset because he gets upset.  Do you see the pattern? 

This morning he had his first speech therapy appointment at 10:45.  He was dressed and ready to go at 9:15.  The appointment is only 15 minutes away.  He insisted on leaving.  I tried to explain to him that we didn’t need to leave yet, but he waited next to the driver’s side door of the car.  I gave in and left.  I then made a pit stop at Starbucks, the bank, and the gas station.  He didn’t seem irritated at all of the stops.  He did not like having to wait for 45 minutes at the office though.   Maybe next time he’ll listen to me and leave a little later.

The therapy went well but was very tiring for him.  He has a lot of work to do in the office and at home.  I have to share one funny thing he said today.  I asked his permission first because I didn’t want to embarass him.  The therapist asked him what some of his hobbies are and he said reading and hunting.  The therapist asked him what he likes to hunt.  What did he say?  Crocodiles.  That’s right folks, crocodiles.  I about peed my pants I laughed so hard.  Ricky laughed too!  I don’t care who you are, but that’s funny =)  We will continue to see him 3 times a week for the next month and then reassess.  I assure you that this is a long road to travel, but we know that God will see us through.

He has been very irritated by noise in the house as well.  That is difficult since we have so much going on at our house.  Jen, Kalynn, and Meemaw have been so good to try and get them out to do things so Ricky can have some quiet.  We even had a date night at Chili’s tonight. 

I have to say that it was difficult to get through dinner tonight.  We sat at the same booth one week ago.  These two nights were completely different though.  Seriously, who  cries at Chili’s over their Chicken Salad?  That would be me tonight.  I talked and Ricky listened.  Hmmm…that’s all he could do.  I explained to him that it is hard to be on the outside looking in.  I miss him.  I know he’s still there, but I miss his words.  He was always so quick to say I love you and tell me what a great wife and mother I am.  It’s hard not to hear those words spontaneously from him.  Do I know that he thinks them?  He better =)  But there’s nothing like hearing them.  I took them for granted last week as we sat at dinner and discussed the future.  I took for granted how easy the conversation flowed.  I took for granted his ability to speak his mind even if I didn’t agree.  However, as hard as it is for me to watch from the outside in, I can’t imagine his world from the inside out.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to want to speak, but be unable to.  I can’t imagine wanting to compliment your wife but being unable to find the words. 

So, our day was frustrating.  It was full of anger and tears.  Tears of sadness for the words I miss.  Tears of sadness for the words he wants to say but can’t.  I know soon those will be tears of joy.  This to shall pass.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Goodnight friends…

        Weeping may remain for a night, 
      but rejoicing comes in the morning

Psalm 30:5


10 Responses to “Keepin’ It Real”

  1. 1 Cindy August 27, 2008 at 10:44 pm


    I can’t imagine the challenges you both are experiencing right now. . .but I will pray tonight that God will give you grace and patience with one another. I hope, too, that tomorrow is a better day.


  2. 2 Alisa August 27, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    I, too, will pray that you both can find peace in your heart. I can only feel your sadness through your writing. I can’t imagine how it feels first hand.
    How wonderful for you to take the time to appreciate Ricky’s struggles as well as your own sadness. You are both such amazing people!

  3. 3 Rick Sweet August 28, 2008 at 8:01 am

    Life is full of tough times but that’s what makes us stronger and fills us with more love. Your strength is your love for each other over yourself. Look into each others eyes and words are not needed. I have all the confidence in the world that with your love for each other and the love of all of us for you that you will get thru this and look back and shake your head and smile. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Thank you for sharing with us.

  4. 4 Erin Pote August 28, 2008 at 8:51 am

    It must be so hard not to have that reassurance from Ricky but I guarantee he is so thankful for you even through his frustrations. You will make it through days like this because of your faith and love for each other. Today is a new day!

  5. 5 Renee & Brian Estridge August 28, 2008 at 10:43 am

    Tracey, I look foward to reading your blog everyday. I have not read any of them and not cried, but today it was tears from laughter and tears for your frustrations. I’m telling you crocidile hunting, I forget that he spent every spring in Flordia, I know that is a really big sport down there! My family & friends continue to pray for all of you!

  6. 6 Nicole Oswalt August 28, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    I am so sorry ya’ll had such a trying day yesterday. I’m sure it’s just a whole load of emotions surfacing as well as those you felt yesterday. I did laugh out loud when I heard he hunted crocodiles….probably something else he and Roy did together that we didn’t know about!!!!! ha ha Then, I got a little teary eyed because of the day you guys had. You both have had such amazing faith through this whole process but God will test even the most faithful! Just remember, it hasn’t even been a week yet even though it feels like a year. Hang in there and let God give him the words when he feels it’s time. I would be so frustrated too, but you guys will get through and MAN! when Ricky does get his speech back, he is going to have a story to tell! We love you both and feel blessed to have such amazing friends. We’ll talk soon! I pray now that you have a great day today!

  7. 7 Colleen Endres August 28, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    Tracey… What a gift to all of us that you trust us with the hard times. You give us the opportunity to embrace you back with prayers for specific needs and love that will support you through all this. You’re coping SO well! I’m so proud of you and Ricky.

  8. 8 Jennifer August 28, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    congratulations for “keeping it real”, in my experiences that is the best way to be and we can specifically pray for these challenges too. everyone knows you are a positive and faith-filled person, thank you for being authentic. love you guys.

  9. 9 Nazare and Mike Judd August 29, 2008 at 12:10 am

    This journey is a long roller coaster ride and I just hope and Pray the twists and turns turn to more good days than bad ones. I pray for your patience and for the day that this bad dream is over for you guys. You have been given the gift of life, but you are going to have to work hard for that gift and your sanity. Keep it up for all of you…and dont forget, you are human and your allowed to cry and yell too. Just think, before you know it, your going to be begging him to be quiet again (just being real).. Prayers and support for your entire family.. The Judds

  1. 1 One Year Ago… « For we walk by faith, not by sight Trackback on August 7, 2009 at 9:42 am

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